I am three days in to my first ever diet.
Or rather- I joined Weight Watchers.
So it's not even like it's a "fad" (a la the cabbage soup thing) but has actually worked for real human beings.
Well it is not working for me.
Or maybe I am just a fat greedy pig.
I wouldn't know because I have never tried to control my food intake in any way before in my whole life. I have always just eaten what I wanted, when I wanted and my weight has varied accordingly. As a (non-pregnant) adult my lowest weight has been 9 stone (I'm 5'6" so that's a bit too skinny if we're honest) and my highest 12 stone (post baby) which is a fair bit of variation and in fact means I own clothes in sizes 8 through to 16 as well as a fairly well stocked maternity wardrobe too.
I am currently 11 stone 1lbs and it's been a fair while since my uterus housed any humans. I lost all my baby weight (and more) long ago so I can't blame the babies (drat). In all honesty I think hormonal contraception has a lot to answer for. It's been 6 weeks now since my Mirena met with the inside of a clinical waste bag but I know from past experience that my body takes a while to normalise after any kind of hormonal interference. Like when I had the implant removed, it took my body 3 months to realise it could in fact, if it wanted, menstruate of it's own accord. I know, slow to catch on or what?!
So I decided to take definitive action and having no clue where to start I decided to go with something obvious. WW has really mixed reviews, most people I speak to either loved it and had great success with it, or hated it and want me to join Slimming World instead.
I don't much care either way but I had to start somewhere and I had a coupon which basically made a 3 month membership to WW free so this way I feel I haven't lost anything...except my sanity that is.
Seriously, three days in and I am a ball of pure white hot rage.
I am already beginning to question the wisdom behind the "points system", as I found out yesterday that my Eat Natural fruit and cereal bar is worth almost as many points as a cooked breakfast. But, who the fuck has a cooked breakfast for an afternoon snack?! I don't even like sausages damn it! And surely a cereal bar is healthier?
Today I was planning to have a jacket potato and tuna for dinner but a 300g potato (yes, I weighed my fucking potato, I know, I can't believe it either) is 11 POINTS. Eleven points.
I know you're struggling to feel the fury that I do but just to put it in perspective for you, I'm only allowed 26 points per day. So one potato, without butter or tuna or indeed anything is almost half my points.
What kind of crazy system is this?!
I think perhaps I am just not cut out for this dieting lark. I have never thought so much about food in all my life as I have these past 3 days, and it's boring and miserable (as this blog post clearly demonstrates)
Do you know that there are actual people on Pinterest pinning this as an inspirational quote:
Are you fucking kidding me?!
WHAT ARE YOU EATING?!
Cardboard soaked in cat piss?!
It's been a long time since I was what might be considered "skinny" but as I recall it felt decidedly...well...nothing. Spaghetti bolognese on the other hand? Enchiladas? Cheesecake? Fucking Creme Brulee?!
*nom nom nom*
Ok, I am going to quit salivating on my keyboard, pour myself a stingy glass of wine (3 bastard points!) and go lose myself in a book enough that the matter of my ever expanding backside won't bother me.